My Secret Life - Why Me? Why do I have to be the one going through this?

Why me?

Why do I have to be the guy whose cervical fusion didn't fuse? Why do I have to be the guy who at 39 now has plates, rods, and screws in the front and back of his cervical spine? Why Lord? Why me?

Quite the pity party isn't it? I mean, there are so many people worse off than me. However, I can't help but feel like my life has been one HUGE trial after another. Sure, I have been blessed in so many ways, but when it has rained it has poured!

Now, I readily admit that many of my HUGE trials have come by way of poor choices via my own stupidity. And I don't blame God at all. In fact, I know that He not only brought me through them, He blessed me beyond anything that I ever deserved. But that was then, and this is now. And the fact of the matter is that I am a different person than I was back then, and I am working really hard to honor God with my life. Has God forgotten me? I mean, I've even had people tell me that maybe I am not "believing for healing" enough. That my faith is weak. Maybe it is my fault??!?

So here I sit. The reality of my disability is before me at my favorite time of the year. The time of year that I want to plant my garden, work in the yard, take my son fishing, take my family camping. But here I sit, and here I will sit waiting for healing to occur.

Healing to occur....?

Maybe this "healing" is far more than physical. Maybe, just maybe, my healing is not about the physical at all. Maybe, just maybe, God has allowed this to come into my life so that I learn to trust Him all the more? Maybe God sat me on my bum for the sole purpose of teaching me to "Be still and know that He is God"? I know that God has been faithful through the many trials and storms I have faced over the years. Why should I believe that this one is any different? Why should I believe that He has forsaken me or that what I am going through is not a part of His perfect plan for my life? Why should I believe that He has not allowed this for the purposes of drawing me closer to Him, increasing my faith, and to make me stronger?

This morning God led me to two specific scriptures:

Isaiah 40:27-31 - Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”? 28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

James 1:2-7 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

This when I realized I was asking the wrong question. Instead of "why" I should be asking "what" or "how".

God, what do you want me to learn from this? God, how do you want me to use this to strengthen my family, my walk with you, your church? God, how can I use this to increase my faith, walk closer to you, and to trust you more? God, how will you use this to draw others to you?

Unlike some pastors these days, I do believe in a literal hell and a literal enemy named Satan. And I believe that He wants nothing more than to see the wounded and weary spiral further and further into the "slough of despond".

However, I will not grow weary, and I will not give in to the devils lies. My hope is in the Lord! And I will trust in Him, I will preserve in spite of my circumstances, and He will lift me up! And I will one day be stronger, better, and I will soar on the wings of eagles because my God has not forgotten me. In fact, I know that my God IS with me. And even now, He is not only bringing healing to my body, He is restoring my soul, and leading me in paths of righteousness for His Names sake.

May God be glorified in my life in all that is therein!

Christian Watts